The Afghan Quarterback

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm.

He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you", the old Muslim woman says. "You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!

Crock of shit Quote of the week

"Physically he’s changed a lot, but mentally I haven’t noticed any diminution of his ability. Which has to be pretty unique."

Judge Monti L. Belot, on his 103-year-old colleague, Judge Wesley E. Brown of Federal District Court in Wichita, Kan.

You think your job is tough?

OR




h/t GJ

Thank you Mr. President!

I want to thank you Mr. President and your predecessor for ending the financial crisis and bringing the United States out of recession. I want to thank both of you for everything your bailout and stimulus packages have done for us.

Furthermore, since you have told the American people we are no longer in a financial recession, I will not worry that August was record-breaking with home foreclosures. Nor, will not be concerned that the poverty rate is the highest in 16 years.

I feel so secure... I am thankful I can trust what my government tells me...

God Bless America!

Denney Crane

Pop term of the week...

Autotan

The method of artificially enhancing one's tan in pictures after them being taken using some photo editing software. The most common way of doing this is increasing the saturation of the photo, then uploading to social networking sites.

Derived from Auto-tune, the software used to enhance vocals in many modern songs.

Nah she isn't, she just autotanned the photo, she's still pale really.

I can't believe I hadn't thought of doing this before now...

Not all tattoos are created equal...

I'm sure their momma is proud!

Anarchy in America?

Should progressive America prepare for anarchy since the Tea Party movement is influencing the election of conservatives to Congress?

Personally, I wonder how long it will take to corrupt most of the newly elected leaders... but that's just the cynic in me... or is it just being a realist?

Personally, I believe the only hope for American government is to get away from party domination and Americans become willing to vote for someone outside the almighty Democrat and Republican parties!

Rambling on...

• I had no idea that one of the top 10 places in North America to see fall foliage is right here in Texas. Although, it doesn't surprise me...
  

• I just thought I had seen some cool tailgate parties until I saw these setups!
  

• Talk about mesmerizing, these traffic stops are absolutely crazy.
  

• I'm not sure why everyone likes watching models walk a runway, but I know I'm obsessed with watching them walk a runway and bust their a$$e$...
  

• Speaking of fashion and models, here's what they're wearing this fall... and I like it.
  

• I don't know if I ever mentioned that I'm an avid deep sea fisherman. I used to think I had some awe-inspiring experiences, until I read about what this guy has done.
  

• I'm beginning to actually recognize that some plastics that store food may not be safe.
  

Elderly humor...

An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said,"Pardon me, madam... I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

~~~~~~~~
And for something more meaningful...

Someone asked him, "So tell me oldtimer, how does it feel being old?"

Hie replied, "I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself.

I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60 & 70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love... I will.

I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set. They, too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face.

So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think.. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.

So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be."



h/t AJ