Saturday, December 26, 2009

16 year olds give
diverse answers

The following questions were set in last year’s GCSE examination in England.

These are genuine answers from 16 year olds, not very bright, but entertaining, 16 year olds.


    Q. Name the four seasons
    A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

    Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
    A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

    Q. How is dew formed
    A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

    Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
    A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight.

    Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
    A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

    Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
    A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

    Q. What are steroids
    A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

    Q. What happens to your body as you age
    A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

    Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
    A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

    Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
    A. Premature death

    Q. What is artificial insemination
    A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

    Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
    A. Keep it in the cow

    Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
    A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U

    Q. What is the fibula?
    A. A small lie

    Q. What is the most common form of birth control
    A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

    Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’
    A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

    Q. What is a seizure?
    A. A Roman Emperor.

    Q. What is a terminal illness
    A. When you are sick at the airport.

    Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
    A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

    Q. What is a turbine?
    A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head



h/t Speedywap

Demotivation







Pop term of the day:
reindeer gaming

reindeer gaming

the act of putting christmas decoration reindeer into various sexual positions.

We're going to go reindeer gaming tonight. My neighbors just bought two new reindeers and they're just asking for it.


Urban Dictionary

Rambling on...

Raquel Welch
  • I’m beginning to understand why Hollywood is liberal and prefers other government over ours. Sharia law would save several different actors lots of time and money…

  • If you wonder what price is paid by athletes to their physical health, you might not begrudge them their pay…

  • Ever wonder who is the smartest man in the world? Others join him as child prodigies…

    Just when I thought there was no one that was as big an a**hole as me, one turns up!

    Reminds me of Joe Biden



Short and sweet... don't get used to it!

Friday, December 25, 2009

Jeff Gordon fires pit crew

Raleigh, NC (UPI) -- Jeff Gordon announced today that he was firing his entire pit crew. This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of President Obama's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment; whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team as most races are won or lost in the pits. However, Gordon got more than he bargained for!

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN, and sold the car to Dale Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.

Pop term of the day: gift crack

gift crack

The gap in wrapping paper or uncovered portion of a gift usually found on the bottom of the box. May result from the gift wrapper running out of paper or cutting gift wrap too small to cover the entire package.

Bryan figured out what his present was because the gift crack exposed the picture on the box.


Urban Dictionary

Santa's alter ego
is a mean bitch!

Rambling on...

Veronica Feldbusch
  • I have decided that the best gifts I receive at Christmas time are home made. Toffee, peanut brittle, macaroons, pumpkin rolls, divinity, fudge and sweet breads. My dentist agrees!

  • I found these 12 iPhone tricks quite useful. Then they showed me 8 more… And if you still yearn to learn, here’s another 40!

  • The recession has hurt many American businesses, but I find it difficult to feel sorry for oil refineries. Does that make me a bad person?

  • Congress raises hell about bankers’ bonuses, but the US Treasury is paying the heads of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac as much as $6 million in perks. It’s hard to find good help these days…

  • BTW, Merry Christmas EVERYONE. May the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob grant you all joy this day we celebrate the birth of His son...

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Catholic Humor

Poor Box

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.

For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

~~~ Donations ~~~

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'



h/t 2 da Comish

Praise be to Allah

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide...

Let's see now.....
  • No Jesus
  • No Christmas
  • No television
  • No cheerleaders
  • No Nude Women
  • No car races
  • No football
  • No soccer
  • No golf
  • No tailgate parties
  • No pork BBQ
  • No hot dogs
  • No burgers
  • No lobster
  • No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks
  • No nachos
  • No Beer nuts
  • No Beer !!!!!!!!
  • Rags for clothes and towels for hats.
  • Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors.
  • Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.
  • More than one wife.
  • You can't shave.
  • Your wives can't shave...
  • You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.
  • The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
  • Your bride is picked by someone else.
  • She smells just like your donkey.
  • But your donkey has a better disposition.
  • Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!

I mean, really, is there a mystery here.

h/t Madman Mango

Toon of the day

Pop term of the day:
santaclaustrophobia

santaclaustrophobia

fear of too many santa clauses

He felt a bout of santaclaustrophobia coming upon him as the holiday season approached.

Urban Dictionary

Rambling on...

Keira Knightley
  • I find it quite funny that the easiest way to avoid an IRS audit is to not make any money…

  • Steven Tyler admitted into rehab for pain killer addiction. When he dies, science should study his liver and try to clone it…

  • At least our President is unpopular with both liberals and conservatives. He’s lied to both groups. At least he’s consistent.

  • I find myself drawn to the freakiest stuff, like this guy throwing a saw blade, cutting through a 2 X 4

  • Finally, if you ever really wonder why America is morally bankrupt, just watch this year’s 45 indelible moments in TV, or as much as possible before becoming sick at your stomach.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Priorities

Some things can just wait!



h/t Madman Mango

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment.. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL

Never argue with a woman who reads.
It's likely she can also think.

Toon of the day

Karma is a bitch

"China wrecked the talks, intentionally humiliated Barack Obama, and insisted on an awful 'deal' so western leaders would walk away carrying the blame," Mark Lynas writes for the Guardian. Daily Beast

I said it once and I'll say it again, "God Bless China". I wish I could have been there to see amateur night in Copenhagen starring the President of the United States. This will not get him a spot on dancing with the stars...


So, will you actually
pretend to care?

STATE INTERVENTION – A district court in Travis County has issued a temporary restraining order against Bridgeport Essential Practices, LLC, owner of Bridgeport Health Care Center. The court also appointed David Crowson as temporary trustee, giving Crowson exclusive powers to operate and fully control the center. The action comes after an investigation earlier this month revealed four areas of immediate jeopardy, said Laura Albrecht, press officer for the Texas Department of Aging and Disability services. A Sept. 18 inspection revealed 43 federal standard deficiencies and 68 state standard deficiencies. Read the full story in Thursday’s Wise County Messenger.

Here are the first victims of our government's budget cuts. The state will actually pay the temporary trustee enough money to operate it properly. I don't know who would even consider buying an operation dependant on Medicare/Medicaid for it's income...

Lame Pop term of the day:
Christmas Eve Eve

Christmas Eve Eve

The day before Christmas Eve, 2 days before Christmas.

Stay away from the malls on Christmas Eve Eve.

Today is Christmas Eve Eve.


Urban Dictionary

Rambling on...

Monica Bellucci
  • As the former owner of a Chinese Pug, I favor the breed and enjoy it’s adventurous attitude. Although, I don’t think I would want to adopt these two maneaters

  • I have a problem many people wish they had... I upgraded to the latest and greatest iPhone and now must learn its latest and greatest functions. I love technology, but only after mastering the applications.

  • It's been a while since checking out iPhone apps and there are some really cool ones now. Scanner 911 lets me listen to Wise Co. SO, 5.0 MP Camera makes high resolution photos, Pandora gives me my favorite music at no cost, and Dragon turns my voice into text for messaging... I have not yet begun to defile myself!

  • In other high tech news, beginning January 11, 2010, Microsoft will no longer sell MS Word or MS Office. OUCH! It is highly recommended you purchase an extra copy or two just in case the issue isn’t resolved.

  • I’m thankful Washington says we are in the midst of economic recovery! We’re only up to 1 million forclosures per quarter, I feel so much more safe and secure.

  • Which reminds me, anyone needing a new 45" Plasma TV, let me know. I have 7 left, still in the box, straight off the truck. Truck for sale as well, no title. Cash only! Ask for Tyrone...

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Introducing Jihadists to Allah



Makes me all warm
and fuzzy inside...

Women over 50

As annoying as I believed Andy Rooney to be, it didn't stop him from making sense!

A woman over 50 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think..

If a woman over 50 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.

Women over 50 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 50.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 50 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest... They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one.. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 50 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 50, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize..

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

h/t AJ

Decatur gets "Bum Steer" award
from Texas Monthly Magazine


BUM STEER – Decatur has been given a “Bum Steer” award by Texas Monthly magazine. On page 84 of the January issue, the magazine states “An exercise to test Decatur’s preparedness for swine flu outbreaks was canceled because of concerns over actual swine flu outbreaks.” The event the magazine refers to was actually a pandemic flu exercise conducted by the Cities Readiness Initiative that was canceled in May when fears about swine flu were at their peak. Wise County Messenger Update


Statewide media attention... THE HORROR!

Latest innovation to
avoid embarrassing situations


Pop term of the day:
Gift Parasite

Gift Parasite

A person who adds their name to a gift tag in order to claim partial credit for giving the gift.

I'm totally broke so I had to be a gift parasite and sign on that present you're giving Grandma.

Urban Dictionary

Rambling on...

Daniella Cicarelli
  • The fire out at Runaway Bay on Saturday was a tragedy, yet Joe Duty found beauty in the chaos

  • Sampson Park, Texas police force make national news with their ”Tickets for Tots” program. I like their style!

  • I'm so thankful that our federal government will only allow us to be held hostage on an airplane runway for 3 hours. When the cabin is 95° and an infant is smothering, it's good to know our government cares.

  • Helping people in Pakistan by declaring war allows the men to freely sell their women in open auction. I guess this would be considered promoting capitalism…

  • Last Thursday, our President, by Executive Order exempted Interpol from American laws.

  • “An INTERPOL branch in the US now cannot be searched, it's files are not subject to legal subpoena nor discovery. If any branch of government wants to keep documents out of the hands of the court system, just hand them over to INTERPOL until the smoke clears. INTERPOL will now be able to maintain files on US citizens.”

Monday, December 21, 2009

Which one would you choose?

Promises Promises


Why do people continue
to trust and believe?





"sunlight is the greatest disinfectant"
that's why it smells like shit in Washington

Toon of the day

Top Stories of 2009

The top 100 stories of 2009. Many are still unbelievable. Here are a few of my personal favorites:

99. Too Fat to Work Family Says $36,000 Is Not Enough Benefit Cash

88. Widow Killed by Husband' s Coffin

85. Skier Hangs Upside-Down and Naked for 15 Minutes

80. Have Faith in Jesus but Need Post-Rapture Pet Care?

74. Teen Girl Electrocuted After Twittering in the Tub

73. Dead Baby Wakes Up for His Funeral Wake

70. Woman Bites Lover's Penis Off In Car Crash

65. 15-Year-Old Student Got $1,500 in Hush Money After Boning Teacher

58. Cats Keep Lost Boy Warm

53. Fake Cop Pulls Over Real Cop

44. Hilton Employee Witnesses Orgy, Tells, Gets Fired, Sues

41. Hot Mom Sleeps With Three of her Daughter's Teenage Friends

35. Man Kills Self Demonstrating Gun Safety

10. I Ate Little Girls for Two Years

MY PERSONAL FAVORITE

5. Lady, Your Husband Is a Sick ... DUDE WTF?!?

"Worried that a former boyfriend had downloaded child porn onto her computer, Michelle Owens handed the laptop over to police and asked them to search it for illegal images. BIG MISTAKE, as Owens had clearly forgotten that the most incriminating images they would find were two videos of her having sex with a beagle. Even after she was arrested for bestiality, Owens declined to waive the consent she had given cops to search her laptop, still hoping they'd find evidence to bust her ex for something even more heinous."

Pop term of the day: Christmasochist

Christmasochist

Someone who continues to subject themselves to Christmas activities -- Secret Santa, carolling, etc. -- despite feeling painfully awkward at the event.

Ryan's uncomfortable laughter at the Secret Santa Pot Luck indicated he was an Christmasochist.


Urban Dictionary

Rambling on...









Doutzen Kroes
  • So you think your teenage daughter is an angel? She's intelligent, attractive and popular... but when you find this in her room (graphic), your world comes crashing in on you. Even worse if her friend posts it on Facebook for revenge. Everyone knows she whores around!

  • If there was ever any question about the vengeful nature of Asian women, all doubt is gone! Remind me not to piss one off!

  • I was heartbroken to find out that a long time family friend's wife left him; just packed up and moved out. He seemed devastated. They had been married 60 years. I take nothing for granted.

  • Would you look at the head on this!

  • Some of the most awesome Christmas lights submitted by readers of the NY Times. Not bad...

  • What happens when states have money problems? They release more prisoners they can’t afford to keep locked up.

  • Very few Americans care about what’s going on in Copenhagen with the Cap & Trade conference, but let me assure you, when we see $7.50 per gallon gasoline, that will change.

  • I keep wondering about the promise that no American making less than $250k per year would have a tax increase.


Sunday, December 20, 2009

Don't think weed kills?
Watch this guy die!




Pop term of the day: xCashmas

xCashmas

The primary holiday celebrated in capitalist cultures. Generally observed around the winter solstice, Cashmas is a celebration of materialism in which its celebrants attempt to flatter or impress relatives, friends, and acquaintances with the extent of their purchasing power. (The "power to get".) Cashmas co-opts signs, symbols, and sympathies from other religious holidays of the winter season to mask its foundation of conspicuous consumption. In the United States, where the holiday is most actively observed, Cashmas traditionally begins on "Black Friday", that is, the day following Thanksgiving Thursday in November. Holiday observations traditionally end on January 2nd, but may arguably be said to extend through "Super Bowl Sunday" of professional American football. This event can occur as late as the month of February.

Also "$mas".

Jodi spent 14 hours at the mall in celebration of Cashmas.


Urban Dictionary

Unfolding The Rose

A young, new preacher was walking with an older, more seasoned preacher in the garden one day and feeling a bit insecure about what God had for him to do, he was inquiring of the older preacher. The older preacher walked up to a rosebush and handed the young preacher a rosebud and told him to open it without tearing off any petals.

The young preacher looked in disbelief at the older preacher and was trying to figure out what a rosebud could possibly have to do with his wanting to know the WILL OF GOD for his life and for his ministry. Because of his high respect for the older preacher, he proceeded to TRY to unfold the rose, while keeping every petal intact...It wasn't long before he realized how impossible it was to do so.

Noticing the younger preacher's inability to unfold the rosebud while keeping it intact, the older preacher began to recite the following poem...


Unfolding The Rose

It is only a tiny rosebud,
A flower of God's design;
But I cannot unfold the petals
With these clumsy hands of mine.

The secret of unfolding flowers
Is not known to such as I.
GOD opens this flower so sweetly,
When in my hands they fade and die.

If I cannot unfold a rosebud,
This flower of God's design,
Then how can I think I have wisdom
To unfold this life of mine?

So I'll trust in Him for His leading
Each moment of every day.
I will look to him for His guidance
Each step of the pilgrim way.

The pathway that lies before me,
Only my Heavenly Father knows.
I'll trust Him to unfold the moments,
Just as He unfolds the rose.


Darryl L. Brown