Saturday, August 22, 2009
Pop term of the day: wee-wee'd up
Getting wound up or riled up over an unimportant issue.
Dude 1: Man that guy just cut me off, I'm gonna kill the idiot!
Dude 2: Bro, relax, don't get all wee-wee'd up over nothing.
This should get your attention!
How does Mexico motivate American tourism? They legalize drugs for personal use.
Nothing hard, just marijuana, cocaine, heroin, LSD & methamphetamine. Selling drugs is still illegal, so you better have a badge! Did I also mention they have government-financed dependency treatment at no extra charge?Did you know Sunday is the National Go Topless protest day? In honor of Women’s Equality Day…
Do you believe that a group of women protesting topless it is a good illustration of equality? I guess it's better than showing off their assets!Scientific breakthrough in identifying mutilated women… Get the number off her breast implants.
Top 10 examples of sweet criminal revenge… There is nothing sweet about it!
This is why it’s best not to piss off certain women!
Top 10 most butchered National Anthem public performances… these get ugly!
Friday, August 21, 2009
Unnecessary Humor
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying, 'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
The preacher said, 'No shit?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'
'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.
'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'
Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'
They are knocked over, but continue to ask.. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'
'I lied about my age', Bob replies.
'What, did you tell her you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying, 'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
The preacher said, 'No shit?'
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'
'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.
'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'
Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'
They are knocked over, but continue to ask.. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'
'I lied about my age', Bob replies.
'What, did you tell her you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'
Pop term of the day: friendly review
A positive review you give to a movie, book, TV series or CD that you don't like but which a friend has recommended to you, usually because you don't want to hurt their feelings.
Rod: I watched that movie The Departed last night which John lent me.
Tom: What did you think?
Rod: I hated it.
Tom: Oh boy, he loves that movie. What did you tell him?
Rod: I told him it was great.
Tom: You gave it a friendly review, huh?
Rod: Yeah, you know what hes like.
Of Interest
Photo above stolen here from the Gorgeous Girls of Miss Universe 2009
Why I steal other women's husbands... A shockingly unrepentant woman explains herself
27 Playmates Who Twitter… just in case you need input...!
Now this would be a once in a lifetime experience.
My Insignificant Existence
Well, I'm heartbroken. No sooner than I bragged about the incredibly gorgeous Megyn Kelly adding me as her friend on Facebook, she dumped me. I can't blame her. She's a fine Christian woman who doesn't need to be associated with someone as controversially unclean as myself. The list of my blog vices are abundant. I post risque photos of hot women, use all sorts of politically incorrect content, spout profane language on occasion, tell foul jokes and exhibit bigoted tendencies. For these vices, I apologize; but if you prefer a mouse instead of a man, you need to take your ass on over to Perez' blog!
After extensive investigation, I discovered that the entire incident was a hoax conducted by Blackwater at the behest of the CIA in order to find Osama Bin Laden and Jimmy Hoffa. I am putting John Edwards on retainer Monday. Furthermore, after I performed an intensive search for Megyn on Facebook last night, I found that she doesn't even exist.
Although devastated and dejected, I will continue to get out of bed and have coffee with her in the mornings. Regrettably, I don't know that our relationship will ever be quite the same due to the irreparable damage to my enormous ego.
In conclusion, I want to thank those of my friends who have chosen to put up with my irreverent behavior. I will not turn state's evidence on you, unless they let Megyn waterboard me; as I remain...
awaiting re-education camp,
Denney Crane
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Liberals need lobotomies
Here is an example of the left-wingers cutting their nose off to spite their face. 0bamabot health reformers want to boycott Whole Foods Market Inc. since their co-founder and CEO, John Mackey, doesn’t support the President’s plan. That’s all well and good, but here’s what you may not know about Mr. Mackey and the company.John Mackey reduced his “salary to $1 a year, donated his stock portfolio to charity and set up a $100,000 emergency fund for staff facing personal problems.”* He says he has plenty of money.
Mr. Mackey doesn’t own Whole Foods. It’s public
Whole foods employs 50,000 people. They offer their employees and families, including same sex civil unions, major medical coverage.
Mr. Mackey’s leadership “has shown the way for thousands of green minded companies”.
“Whole Foods was the first grocery chain to set standards for humane animal treatment.”* Mackey is an animal rights activist.
“Whole Foods Market is one of only two Fortune 500 companies listed among the 25 Best Companies to Work For in 2005.”*
Mackey has two fatal flaws: he's anti-union and anti-0bamacare, but nobody's perfect, right?
So you left wing loons go ahead and boycott this tree hugging, gay supporting, animal rights activist, exemplary green running, employee oriented company all you want. All you will do is hurt your own causes…clueless morons.
DC
* Wikipedia
To Protect and Serve Themselves?
Man jailed 3 months for possession of a breath mint! I'm so tired of these damned innocent criminals complaining, aren't you?
Senator Kennedy wants to change the law AGAIN since a Democrat is governor. Will America be better off without Ted Kennedy in it?
MSNBC edits clip of man with gun at Obama rally to support racism narrative to hide he’s black
Incompetence: “Focusing on the town halls certainly has its merits, but if you actually wanted 0bama-care to pass, casting a majority of Americans as being stooges of racist goons may not be the best way to go.”
Administration using bought and paid for media to
rail against his own Democratic controlled Congress!
The administration is setting you up
for the nuclear option: reconciliation!
Before you jump on the health care reform band wagon, you need to watch this video. Our government already provides health care to American Indians and Veterans. Why aren't they bragging about the shining example of these comprehensive, coordinated programs they already administer?
h/t God, Guns & Free Speech
Senator Kennedy wants to change the law AGAIN since a Democrat is governor. Will America be better off without Ted Kennedy in it?
MSNBC edits clip of man with gun at Obama rally to support racism narrative to hide he’s black
Incompetence: “Focusing on the town halls certainly has its merits, but if you actually wanted 0bama-care to pass, casting a majority of Americans as being stooges of racist goons may not be the best way to go.”
Administration using bought and paid for media to
rail against his own Democratic controlled Congress!
The administration is setting you up
for the nuclear option: reconciliation!
Before you jump on the health care reform band wagon, you need to watch this video. Our government already provides health care to American Indians and Veterans. Why aren't they bragging about the shining example of these comprehensive, coordinated programs they already administer?
h/t God, Guns & Free Speech
Pop term of the day: manstration
When a man is going through his monthlies
"You are a bitch right now - are you on your manstration?"
Of Interest...
Get ready for your computer to catch the spyware program, Personal AV! It pretends it’s an upgrade to a Norton Antivirus program. I contacted Norton online and they wanted $99 to fix it, even though their program was supposed to stop it to begin with. Here is the link to get a free program that will get rid of it! To hell with Norton!
Lessons in creating mass tourism ~ Open the world’s first cocaine bar. Personally, I would rather own the overdose clinic across the street, but that’s just me.
Note to self: Never piss off British lesbians while they're drinking!
FYI: Men with facial scars are more attractive to women seeking short-term relationships.
21 impressive bathroom pictures. I think Joe Duty could do better!
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Captains log: Star date 8.19.09
Today was a good day. Hot, but good. I have no idea why I say that since the only heat I’ve felt so far today is when I got into my car at lunchtime, and of course it was very hot. I’m turning into such a pansy! Madagascar (the movie) is rubbing off…
Yesterday, I asked an office assistant what she thought of my ranting N word blog post. She looked at me with her head tilted down slightly, like she was going to say something critical, and told me that she happened to agree with it. I asked her if in the 6 years she has been working with me, had she ever heard me say the N word. After a 20 second processing break, she said “no, never”. I think I need to say it more often if I’m going to be a successful racist!
I heard that many local executives are so afraid of a sexual harassment law suit that they won’t have a closed door meeting with a fellow female employee without someone else being present. I thought about it for a while and decided to get a webcam and record all meetings in my office. It has a motion detector so it’s automatic. There’s only one problem I’ve found so far. The damn thing films me when I pick my nose or scratch my huevos grandes.
Sometimes I amaze even myself at how full of shit I am. This morning, I asked my assistant if she got a job done yesterday involving delegating a task. She said no. Surprisingly, I didn’t blow up, but I did assertively tell her that if I had to go clean house to get something done, I would; and furthermore, I would blame the whole ordeal on her. That way, our staff would hate her as much as they do me! I don’t understand why she didn’t get the joke…
Yesterday, I asked an office assistant what she thought of my ranting N word blog post. She looked at me with her head tilted down slightly, like she was going to say something critical, and told me that she happened to agree with it. I asked her if in the 6 years she has been working with me, had she ever heard me say the N word. After a 20 second processing break, she said “no, never”. I think I need to say it more often if I’m going to be a successful racist!
I heard that many local executives are so afraid of a sexual harassment law suit that they won’t have a closed door meeting with a fellow female employee without someone else being present. I thought about it for a while and decided to get a webcam and record all meetings in my office. It has a motion detector so it’s automatic. There’s only one problem I’ve found so far. The damn thing films me when I pick my nose or scratch my huevos grandes.
Sometimes I amaze even myself at how full of shit I am. This morning, I asked my assistant if she got a job done yesterday involving delegating a task. She said no. Surprisingly, I didn’t blow up, but I did assertively tell her that if I had to go clean house to get something done, I would; and furthermore, I would blame the whole ordeal on her. That way, our staff would hate her as much as they do me! I don’t understand why she didn’t get the joke…
Pop term of the day: good hang
someone who is fun to hang out with
yo dude what do you think of dustin?
o yeah hes a good hang
Political prowess
CBS News reports “that up to 60,000 people have cancelled their AARP memberships since July 1”! I just love old people!
America is not at war if Bush isn’t the President. That’s good to know!
Right to privacy in America is officially over! Note to self: don’t go calling Vogue models skanks on my blog!
Coming to America… the U.S. peso
Great Orators of the Democratic Party
Cindy Sheehan, just a TOOL
After Byron York wrote a column in the Washington Examiner Tuesday titled “For the Left, war without Bush is not war at all”, he received this note from war protester Cindy Sheehan:
I read your column about the "anti-war" movement and I can't believe I am saying this, but I mostly agree with you.
The "anti-war" "left" was used by the Democratic Party. I like to call it the "anti-Republican War" movement.
While I agree with you about the hypocrisy of such sites as the DailyKos, I have known for a long time that the Democrats are equally responsible with the Republicans. That's why I left the party in May 2007 and that's why I ran for Congress against Nancy Pelosi in 2008.
I have my own radio show, "Cindy Sheehan's Soapbox," and I was out on a four-month book tour promoting the fact that it's not about Democrats or Republicans, but it's about the system.
Even if I am surrounded by a thousand, or no one, I am still working for peace.
Sincerely,
Cindy Sheehan
Another political tool brought down to earth to experience reality... At least she has been shown the truth! So many other activist have no idea they're being used... by both parties!
Of interest...
Craigslist Canada: “Thanks Jennifer for leaving bite marks all over my husbands chest last night”
I feel so much better knowing that those exploding iPhones are just isolated incidents!
It has come to my attention that there is a sushi buffet at Armondos in Decatur!
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Captains log: Star date 8.18.09
Today was a whirlwind! It started out slow and then tapered off! Amid the shitstorm my latest rant created, (hits are going through the roof for this small time blogger) the very hot, very sexy, very intelligent and very beautifully pregnant Megyn Kelly invited me to be her friend on Facebook. What a way to start a day! Please forgive me Megyn for using your name in the same sentence as a vulgar word, you deserve a queen's thrown! I get out of bed with you every morning and have coffee... woooof!
ANYWAY, I was told that the Liberally Lean Blogging Deity had commented on my rant, so I clicked over to his page, as I do at least twice a day, to see what was going on. To my surprise, there were actually people commenting on the post that were defending me... DAAAAAAAAANG! Who would have thunk it? LOL
One would think that those 2 events alone would constitute a great day. My world began to unravel when I received a call from my banker wanting several thousand dollars not to bounce a few of Mrs. Crane's checks; not a pleasant episode. After spending an hour clearing that up, and missing an important meeting, my assistant came in and let me know that the company checking account was overdrawn. This my friends, was not the answer I was looking for! Do you ever get upset that you can't pay your bills until others pay you?
As I sit here on my balcony with my cigar and glass of scotch, waiting to see if Alan is going to sleepover, I am torn between the love of my life, Shirley Schmidt and the georgously vibrant Megyn. Shirley, please forgive me, I just can't help it!
Political plotting
“In September or October there will be a hyped up outbreak of the swine flu which they’ll say is as bad as the bubonic plague to scare the bed-wetters to vote for healthcare reform. That is the only way they can push something on to the American people that the American people don’t want.”More government entities silencing their critics! The California Costal Commission…
— Dick Armey, FreedomWorks h/t Bob Parks
If there’s anything that will get a politician’s attention, it’s bringing an assault weapon to an 0bama rally!
Pop term of the day: brom com
Short for bromantic comedy
"I love you man is a terrific brom com."
Of Interest
7 Awesome Acts of Nature science can’t explain.
And then, there’s the Japanese Pig Rodeo
Very questionable retail products
Monday, August 17, 2009
"Socialist" = right-wing
codeword for "nigger"?
codeword for "nigger"?
Why is a racist retard like this Uncle Tom worrying about conservative codewords? I think he's just Jeffrey Immelt's brown nosing bitch....
I am sick and tired of thinking I need to apologize for being conservative and white... it's a big bunch of bullshit!
What I love about being a conservative southern man is that I don't have to have a code word for "nigger"! If I want to say "nigger" or call you or our President a "nigger", I will! I don't need permission from you or my constituency! I am much more afraid of a socialist President anyway!
Until you take away my constitutional right to free speech, I can say as I please, JUST LIKE YOU! You want to keep playing the race card and create animosity between people of color and white people, you go right ahead; just don't expect to like the outcome!
So the next time you call me insane, eccentric, chauvinistic, unpatriotic, Hitleristic, hypocritical, idiotic, manipulative, prejudiced, bigoted, racist, homophobic, cracker, honkey, white boy, right wing, religican, lying, bastard, dickhead, please remember that it's the same US Constitution that insures your right to do so.
but I could be wrong!
Denney Crane
I did not speak out...
When the Nazis came for the communists,
I remained silent;
I was not a communist.
When they locked up the social democrats,
I remained silent;
I was not a social democrat.
When they came for the trade unionists,
I did not speak out;
I was not a trade unionist.
When they came for the Jews,
I did not speak out;
I was not a Jew.
When they came for me,
there was no one left to speak out.
~ Friedrich Gustav Martin Niemöller
"I have a question for Obama, Why does he and the Democrats want to give us Obamacare and have all Americans health records in a National data base that anyone will be able to access or steal, when Obama will not disclose any information about himself.
If you don't think that anyone will be able to gain access to your records you are a FOOL,...........all you have to do is look at the Veterans Administration to see what their record is for keeping your health care records and Social Security numbers secure."
God, Guns & Free Speech
I remained silent;
I was not a communist.
When they locked up the social democrats,
I remained silent;
I was not a social democrat.
When they came for the trade unionists,
I did not speak out;
I was not a trade unionist.
When they came for the Jews,
I did not speak out;
I was not a Jew.
When they came for me,
there was no one left to speak out.
~ Friedrich Gustav Martin Niemöller
"I have a question for Obama, Why does he and the Democrats want to give us Obamacare and have all Americans health records in a National data base that anyone will be able to access or steal, when Obama will not disclose any information about himself.
If you don't think that anyone will be able to gain access to your records you are a FOOL,...........all you have to do is look at the Veterans Administration to see what their record is for keeping your health care records and Social Security numbers secure."
God, Guns & Free Speech
You can't handle the truth!
Who has the power to censure Shawn Hannity and Fox?
Saturday, I posted about a special interest group causing advertisers to pull their ads from the Glenn Beck show or they would boycott their products. THE FIT HAS HIT THE SHAN! Talk about a boycott. You should checkout the Twitter feed at DefendGlenn.com. The suspense is terrible, I hope it lasts!
Speaking of our rights, how would you like to spend a couple of months in jail because you annoyed the police? Guilty of using information on a blog that was “publically available”?
Someone finally writes a good piece about Meghan McCain’s two faces.
How angry are the mobs in Missouri? You decide…
Pop term of the day: blinker beat
When the tic-toc of the blinkers syncs with the music playing on the car radio.
dude check it out, I got blinker beat happening on this Jay-Z song.
Of Interest
When’s the last time you did something really stupid?
If you think getting lucky and hooking up with a stranger is a matter of fate, think again!
Now that Pandora’s box is open, why can’t a marriage include three or four people? If gay marriage is legal, don’t discriminate!
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Pop term of the day: buffer race
the race between the playback line and the buffer bar on an internet video.
damn i cant hear a freekin thing this guys saying it keeps skipping because of the damn buffer race. the buffer bar is losing.
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