13 things you should know about men

So says College Candy

1. Sex Is Always a Top Priority: Guys often will try to make women believe that they are sensitive and don’t care about sex (“I want to talk!”), but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Sex is always number 1. Over sports. Over work. Over you. Over your relationship when he is in another city and a cute girl starts talking to him. Over his family. Over his health. If sex is an option, he will be taking it. And if sex is an option without a condom, he will be taking it in the 2.5 seconds it takes to rip your clothes off. No time to consider the repercussions, because those don’t matter when he can do it without the burden of a condom!

2. Think movie quotes are the funniest/best communication tools EVER: Guys remember movie quotes at an unbelievable rate. It doesn’t matter if it is an obscure line from an old Austin Powers movie, they will remember it. And quote it. At nauseam. And their guy friends will laugh, give the next line and – before you know it – the entire scene has been re-enacted.

3. Not (usually) as funny as they think they are: Newsflash, boys: quoting funny lines from movies does NOT make you funny. If makes you good at remembering things. Neither does laughing at your own jokes. That only means you think you are funny…and no one else.

4. They Exaggerate…EVERYTHING: They are never as successful as they say they are, tall as they say there are, funny (this is a big one) as they think they are, or pretty much anything. Guys tend to stretch the truth in attempts to look better and (see #1), get laid. If you are talking to a new guy, be wary; if he says he is a Law Student at Yale…he is probably applying to law schools….and Yale is out of his reach.

5. They Are Lazy: Ever know a guy to watch a Lifetime movie only because he is too lazy to get up and get the remote from the other side of the room? Or that boyfriend who will text you to come over because he is A) too lazy to dial and B) too lazy to come get you? Guys will do just about anything to avoid doing the work. From studying (copying someone’s notes) to dating (booty calls only, because they require little work) to going to the bathroom (where they don’t flush), they are lazy.

6. Don’t want you to spend all day getting ready, but secretly do out of fear of having the ugly GF: Guys may whine when you are 20 minutes late because you had to try on three different tops before even getting in the shower, but it’s just a front. Because the only thing worse than showing up to the party after the keg has already been taped, is showing up with the ugliest girl in the room. (Something about validation…which we will cover below.)

7. Think they can do everything better: Every interaction a guy has with anyone – male or female – turns into one big pissing contest. Guys always have to win, they always have to be the best, and no one knows how to do something better than them. Did the doctor diagnose you with an ear infection? Those doctors don’t know anything as much as he does. And what about Shaq? WHAT ABOUT HIM? He’s got nothing on this guy (Guy says this while pointing to himself with both thumbs.)

8. Can’t handle criticism: Guys are constantly complaining that women don’t guide them in the bedroom. But, the minute that we do they curl up into the fetal position and cry like little babies. Due to the fact that guys think they are the best at everything, the minute someone calls them out on something, they shut down. Note: This, boys, is why women fake it. It is a hell of a lot easier than trying to stroke your ego while explaining why jabbing things around down there doesn’t do much for us.

9. Constantly Require Validation and Approval: Most guys are used to having their mothers dote over them (“You are so smart, Jonny.” “That was a great try, Mikey!”), so now they need it. All the time. Why do you think they want you to talk dirty during sex? So they know how mind-blowing they are. And when they come home and tell you how they rocked that exam; yup, they just want to hear someone else tell them how absolutely smart (not to mention, adorable!) they are.

10. Always Have to Win: At everything. No matter how random. Typing speed (“I can totally beat 65 words a minute, bro!”). Eating (“I’m the Joey Chestnut of Doritos, dude.”). Wii Sports (“Oh yeah? You think you can bowl?! LET’S GO!”). It is pathetic and sad….but true. Oh, and fun to watch.

11. Call any girl not interested in them a bitch: Because any normal, nice girl would never reject him. Never. Something must be wrong with her if she wants nothing to do with him. Oh, and if your friends don’t like him, they suck too. It obviously has nothing to do with him; he’s perfect!

12. Are Pussies: Guys may talk a big game, but when it comes down to it they are really just giant pussies. Especially when it comes to breakups. Instead of acting like a mature guy (which may not exist anyway), lots of guys will take the easy way out. “I’ll stop calling; she’ll get the hint!” Or, “Maybe if I act like a dick long enough, she will just break up with me!” Then they will call their friends to tell them the story and hear how brilliant of an idea that was (See #9). This is often what leads guys to thinking the girl is “crazy” (which is really just a girl trying to figure out what is going on); but what guys don’t realize is simply being honest will make the breakup a LOT easier. (Hint, hint, boys.)

13. Are Two Faced: Guys always talk about how a girl will be nice to someone to their face and then tear them up behind their back. Guys are similar, only with them they will talk shit about a girl to their friends (“She has a great ass, but she sucks in bed.” Or, “I only call her late at night when I need a BJ.”) and be completely different around the girl. I don’t know if they are trying to save face in front of their guys or if they are just trying to get f*cked when they are with the girl, but either way – they are lying to someone.

14. And, one extra just to beat those boys…They think they know women. And based on that list, we know that is far from the truth.

Pop term of the day: Dohment

Dohment
One of those slap your forehead moments when you realise that you've just done something incredibly stupid.

The moment when something "dawns on you" and "the penny drops.

A dohment is when you realise that you've put the baby outside and tucked the cat up in the cot for the night.

or

A dohment is when you wonder why the lawn isn't looking any better then notice that you haven't engaged the lawnmower blade.

Email of the week

Eleven Reasons to Fear For Your Freedom
What would you say if I gave you 11 reasons why the elections in 2010 will be the most important in the history of the United States ?

1. What if I had told you in October 2008, before the last presidential election, that before Barack Obamas first 100 days in office, the federal government would be in control of both th mortgage and the banking industries? That 19 of Americas largest banks would be forced to undergo stress tests by the federal government which would determine that they were insufficiently capitalized so they must be supervised by the government?

Would you have said, Cmon, that will never happen in America ?"

2. What if I had told you that within Barack Obamas first 100 day in office the federal government would be the largest shareholder in two US automakers, GM, and Chrysler? That th government would kick out the CEOs of these companies and appoint hand-picked executives with zero experience in the auto industry and that executive compensation would be determined not by a Board of Directors but by the government?

Would you have said, Cmon, that will never happen in America ?

3. What if I had told you that Barack Obama would appoint 21 Czars, without congressional approval, accountable only to him not to the voters who would have control over a wide range of US policy decisions? That there would be a Stimulus Accountability Czar, an Urban Czar, a Compensation Czar, an Iran Czar, an Auto Industry Czar, a Cyber Security Czar, an Energy Czar, a Bank Bailout Czar, and more than a dozen other government bureaucrats with unchecked regulatory
powers over US domestic and foreign policy?

Would you have said, Cmon, that will never happen in America ?

4. What if I had told you that the federal deficit would be $915 billion in the first six months of the Obama presidency - with a
projected annual deficit of $1.75 trillion - triple the $454.8 billion in 2008, for which the previous administration was highly
criticized by Obama and his fellow Democrats? That congress would pass Obamas $3.53 trillion federal budget for fiscal 2010? That the projected deficit over the next ten years would be greater than $10 trillion?

Would you have said, Cmon, that will never happen in America ?

5. What if I had told you that the Obama Justice Department would order FBI agents to read Miranda rights to high-value detainees captured on the battlefield and held at US military detention facilities in Afghanistan ? That Obama would order the closing of the Guantanamo detention facility with no plan for the disposition of the 200-plus individuals held there? That several of the suspected terrorists at Guantanamo would be sent to live in freedom in Bermuda at the expense of the US government? That our US veterans would be labeled terrorists and put on a watch list.

Would you have said, Cmon, that will never happen in America ?

6. What if I had told you that the federal government would seek powers to seize key companies whose failures could jeopardize the financial system? That a new regulatory agency would be proposed by Obama to control loans, credit cards, mortgage-backed securities, and other financial products offered to the public?

Would you have said, Cmon, that will never happen in America ?

7. What if I had told you that Obama would travel to the Middle East, bow before the Saudi king, and repeatedly apologize for Americas past actions? That he would travel to Latin America where he would warmly greet Venezuelas strongman Hugo Chavez and sit passively in the audience while Nicaraguan Marxist thug Daniel Ortega charged America with terrorist aggression in Central America ?

Would you have said, Cmon, that will never happen in America ?

8. Okay, now what if I were to tell you that Obama wants to dismantle conservative talk radio through the imposition of a new Fairness Doctrine? That he wants to curtail the First Amendment rights of those who may disagree with his policies via internet blogs, cable news networks, or advocacy ads? That most major network television and most newspapers will only sing his phrases like state run media in communist countries?

Would you say, Cmon, that will never happen in America ?

9. What if I were to tell you that the Obama Justice Department is doing everything it can to limit your Second Amendment rights to keep and bear arms? That the federal government wants to reinstate the so-called assault weapons ban which would prohibit the sale of any type of firearm that requires the shooter to pull the trigger every time a round is fired? That Obamas Attorney General wants to eliminate the sale of virtually all handguns and ammunition, which most citizens choose for self-defense?

Would you say, Cmon, that will never happen in America ?

10. What if I were to tell you that the Obama plan is to eliminate states rights guaranteed by the Tenth Amendment and give the federal government sweeping new powers over policies currently under the province of local and state governments and voted on by the people? That Obama plans to control the schools, energy production, the environment, health care, and the wealth of every US citizen?

Would you say, Cmon, that will never happen in America ?

11. What if I were to tell you that the president, the courts, and the federal government have ignored the US Constitution and have seized powers which the founders of our country fought to restrict? That our last presidential election may have been our last truly free election for some time to come? That our next presidential election may look similar to the one recently held in Iran ?

Unnecessary humor

A crusty old man walks into the local Catholic Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I 'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money. "

"I see," said the pastor. "Is this bitch giving you a hard time?

Birthday prank goes wrong!

Almost unnecessary humor

There is an annual contest at A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year's term was "Political Correctness."

The Winner wrote, "Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

Don't be confused by the facts...

0bamanarcs, betray Americans here

Here is the form 0bama wants you to fill out. I did so the right way, with my computer in "stealth mode" and I played nice long enough to bait some fool into reading my comment. Notice my phone number is Bob Boobless turned upside down too. Kooks Manifesto

Please note the first sentence on this webpage. "President 0bama is committed to creating the most open and accessible administration in American history. "



Let's see if I get this right...

~ acquire substantial amounts of American industry,
~ introduce unprecedented tax increases
~ initiate unsustainable spending & debt
~ create czars that bypass Congressional accountability
~ accelerate the devaluation of American currency
~ bolster massive unemployment & outsourcing,
~ fund corrupt & unlawful citizens organizations,
~ threaten, harrass & eliminate any & all opposition

Does this sound like the democracy established by the United States Constitution?

Why do I get the impression that if the masterplan fails, several politicians will face jail time?

Ya don't see this everyday...3

How to test a boy's sexual inclination...
I don't think she or her parents
will appreciate the artist's rendering...
Those smart damn Chinese are turning
animals into Nazi ninja warriors!
But, those shoes need tassels...
Elephants need love too and
they're not embarrassed about it.
Can you imagine him getting waxed?
Smart way to get men to discard their trash,
but there is no telling what all they put in it...
I know there must be a purpose for this,
but for the life of me I can't figure it out!

Pop term of the day: Ghost Tweeter

Ghost Tweeter
1.The act of helping a friend fine tune their twitter updates. Either to make them funnier or more concise.

2. Knowingly coming up with tweets for a friend or colleague.

3. Tweeting for a company or entity under the guise of being them.

4. Tweeting as a celebrity without their knowledge.

"Wow, Jane's last tweet was hilarious. she must have a funny ghost tweeter."

or

"That's not really Ashton Kutcher on twitter. That is a ghost tweeter."

Of interest...

Kalifonia city shut’s down 8 year old girl’s lemonade stand

Mother fined for spending too much time at her 5 week old baby’s casket.

How much of the $2 trillion deficit is being shipped overseas? The answer might shock you…

Nigerian Taliban behead 3 Christian pastors for refusing to convert to Islam

Pop term of the day: making base contact

making base contact
Making Base Contact; "saying" meaning contacting your wife, girlfriend, or serious female relationship via your cellular phone, just like as paramedics make base contact to get additional orders for patient care, one can give ones female an updated status on what the boys and yourself are doing.

you: hey guys so are we getting ready to head to the bar now?

friends: yeah sure were leaving in ten, can't wait to get smashed!!

you: sounds great lemme just go "make base contact" first

OR

you: great if you leave any sooner Ill be over by the garage "making base contact"

We interrupt this regularly scheduled program to bring you this important announcement

To Brain Rage blogger, James B. Webb

Thank you for recognizing my email repost "Jose Legal vs Jose Illegal" for what it is, disinformation. I was beginning to wonder if anyone would ever read it and holler.

I also agree that ”companies who hire them in order to save money” is a much more valid position. If jobs, freedom, hospital ERs and education for their children weren’t available, even legal immigration wouldn’t flood the country.

Your commentary is superb, your delivery awe-inspiring. Thanks for calling it what it is. Look forward to reading you.

Sincerely,

Denney Crane

Okay you guys, he caught posting an exaggerated email. My bad. This is the first admittedly cynical libertarian-socialist to comment on this blog. I wonder if his ideology rubs off on his readers? Guess I'm gonna find out... God Bless Texas!

Political Pondscum

I thought the primary reason for government was to protect Americans! Kalifonia ordered to release 43,000 prisoners… what do they do when they get free, they kill 17 year olds.

Whitehouse responds to protests: ATTACK ATTACK ATTACK ~ screw listening to the majority of Americans!

You don’t want to know what your Representatives think of you! But, if you have to know, here it is! “They have met the enemy and it is you!”

BUSINESS AS USUAL: The FBI reports that United Brotherhood of Carpenters and Joiners [Union] officials “are charged with unlawfully receiving money, loans, or other things of value from contractors, in a total amount of approximately one million dollars. In exchange for the bribes, the defendants allowed and helped certain contractors t pay union members cash at below-union rates, without benefits; employ illegal aliens and non-union workers on their job sites;” Do you think they'll do any jail time?

DNC issues memo on protesters

The DNC issues a memo labeling protesters “extreme” and “thuggish”. The memo shares 5 key points:

1. “These disruptions are being funded and organized by out-of-district special-interest groups and insurance companies…”
2. "People are scared because they are being fed frightening lies."
3. "Their actions are getting more extreme."
4. "Their goal is to disrupt and shut down legitimate conversation."
5. "Republican leadership is irresponsibly cheering on the thuggish crowds."

I have some simple questions for healthcare reformists:

1. Why is congress exempt from this program?
2. What's the big hurry?
3. Isn't it better to get it right than to rush it through?
4. Why are you attacking those who are against it?
5. Considering past government programs, do you think opponents have valid fears?

I invite you, to feel free to add to the list of questions...

By the way, I happen to believe that one of the many reasons healthcare is so expensive in the US is because the people who pay the hospitals and doctors are ALREADY PAYING FOR those who don't or can't... it's called overhead and it's passed along to the paying consumer, just like taxes...but I wouldn't expect a career politician to relate to real life business!

but I could be wrong,

Denney Crane

.

Of Interest...

Eliza Dushku's horny nosey dog...
I think she likes it...
Flashing your tits can be ever so disgusting.

The ultimate in going green: STOP HAVING BABIES!

In case you’re a fan of Wise County’s Joe Duty, here’s his website

40 of the funniest GIF’s of all time…Slideshow is slow

Would someone please explain to me how in the hell this happened?

Home invasion doesn’t work out like those Brink’s commercials! Instapundit I think we can expect more of these with unemployment high and mass prisoner release…

Hamas respects traditional marriage!

Hamas holds a mass wedding for 450 couples. The girls ages range from 6 to 10 years old.

DNC ad blames GOP for protests

I've seen conservative protesters boo
Republican politicians off the stage!
Just because conservatives lost the
election doesn't mean we lost our voice...
or our right to protest either party.


Senator & racist Barbara Boxer says
the protesters are too well dressed!
They might actually be middle class?



When Rep. Steny Hoyer wants to explain the facts to this registered Democrat, he's called out...told his facts were lies!!! The horror: a lying politician! Seems they will justify healthcare reform by lying. Although the majority of Americans do not want it, their gonna shove it down our throat. Piss on the people!


Okay, can you think one step ahead of the
administration and predict what will happen
next to sell "healthcare insurance reform"?

Pelosi orders private jets

What's $200 million? They can afford it!

Didn't Congress just get finished raising hell
with American automakers CEOs for flying their
private jets to Washington? Who's a Hypocrite?

h/t Gateway Pundit

Did you know that the cheapest part
of owning an airplane is the cost
of the plane itself? Operational fees
are much higher than the plane cost.

Horse whipping can hurt...

Pop term of the day: holidrawl

holidrawl
Depression caused by the lack of a holiday to party about for at least a one-month period. Typically occcurs between St. Patrick's Day and Memorial Day in the US and also during the month of August when holidrawl is present between 4th of July and Labor Day.

Date: April 26th

Dear Diary;

I'm in such holidrawl that I can't think of anything else to tell you! *flips back to entries from St. Patty's Day and cries hysterically*

Of interest...

COED’s Daily Snapshot of Destiny Daniels
Some women don’t get mad, they get even! ‘When they arrived, Ziemann struck the man in the face and glued his penis to his stomach.’

Wow, you don’t have to have a license to give a horse a massage.

‘Opponents of health insurance reform may find the truth a little inconvenient, but as our second president famously said, "facts are stubborn things."’ Whitehouse Blog

The Whitehouse goes one step further and wants you to inform on those who oppose 0bama’s new health care insurance reform plan.

I'm sure that snitches informants will help the Whitehouse create a big database of websites, emails and casual conversations… I wonder if I will be paid a visit...or maybe you might?

More politicians having a hard time selling 0bamacare.

Do you know this man? FBI wants him bad, and I hope they get him!

Ya don't see this everyday 2...

Attitude is everything...
Popularity is attained by using one or
more assets, especially if one is butt ugly...
Is that discrimination?
They might want to look at the photos
before they use them...
This could create a whole new series...
possible porno?
Now this is how to toilet train children!

US Czars that make nonsense...

Liberals are proud of their leaders,
and ashamed of our country! h/t ADHD
If you wanted on prime time TV, who would you contact? The people you're giving billions of dollars, not the networks!

Bush administration officials are nervous about the book of memoirs by speechwriter Matt Latimer. They should be! Do you think he could reveal all the mistakes or who was running the country or that Bush was just clueless.

Take the AT&T/Yahoo poll about how the Presidents programs are “measuring up with you” in this battered economy. 1,461,113 votes so far, results not surprising.

0bama DOJ going soft on porn prosecution?

Pop term of the day: nom de strip

nom de strip
A name assumed for glamour photography / pornography / other sexual activity when an alias might be advisable; one's stripper name.

"She's principal fiscal advisor to the mayor nowadays, but I remember her fondly as Lola Wetness."

"Lola Wetness?"

"Her nom de strip."

Of Interest...

Deodorant commercial taken off the air for sexist content? You make the call!

Video of man paying impound fee with 8,800 pennies. American company refuses to take American currency. Police get involved. We need another beer summit!

World’s screaming contest… Why isn’t Glen Beck representing the US?

Vote now for Co-ed of the year. Woof!

Lady GaGa has a what?A penis? Video here

Pop term of the day: finger guns

finger guns
A way for creepy people with porn mustaches to say hello or "I understand". Hold your fingers in the shape of guns (use both hands for maximum effect) and point at someone who just arrived. Bend thumbs to simulate shooting your finger guns and make a clicking sound with your mouth. May be accompanied with a wink in extreme cases.

That dude that looks like he just fell out of the 70's just offered me a piece of candy and then winked and gave me finger guns. I said no.

Arlen Specter pwned!!! Video of the month!

"The House Democrat leadership on Friday sent a memo to their membership asking them to hold town hall meetings on health care in their districts in August. Showing just how out of touch Democrat leaders are with not only their membership but their constituents, those Democrats holding town halls with Democrat talkers on health care are getting booed off of the stage." by Connie Hair

Ya don't see this every day...

Hillary doesn't do it for me any more!
Huevos grande!
I think I would just get naked...
Thank God she's blond!
America couldn't make it without burritos!
How's that UV protection workin for ya?
I bet he's popular...
I need to see him perform a minnow shot!

You never know about certain animals...

Political exploitation exploits

I do admire observant liberals
who don't hide their agenda!
Being a racist okay with 0bama and Democratic Party, as long as you’re a member of the Black Panther Party… “No Whites Allowed”

Companies from six countries to drill off the Florida Keys, not one of them from the United States!

It’s illegal? Only for American companies? Go figure… This is a prime example of government regulation of free enterprise… Companies from communist countries have more rights off the coast of Florida than those in the land of the free. Makes me proud to be an American!

The CIA cries Uncle, begs Congress to pull that bug out of their ass and leave them alone and let them do there job. Do you see a pattern here?

The Al Franken Meltdown Begins … he’s the first politician I ever heard of that deliberately pissed off a billionaire. I hope Al keeps his nose clean; else someone's gonna burn him...or is it crucifixion?

I won’t be using my computer to log on to Cars.gov. I will use yours!

You remember Rep. Lloyd Doggett? His constituents gave him an enthusiastic greeting in Austin Saturday sharing their views on the healthcare bill.

Congressman Barney Frank says that the public option in the healthcare bill is designed to destroy the evil insurance industry. Of course, nothing is mentioned about non-profit hospitals posting billions in profits annually.

Kermit sets example for taxpayers!

Kermit the frog is getting ready for the all
of the new tax increases and social programs.

Here, he illustrates a patriotic attitude and proper
posture for the government's implementation...

Unpopular Wise County News

SHELTER FILLING UP - There were 72 dogs and 22 cats in the Wise County Animal Shelter as of Friday morning. The shelter has only been open one week, and the sheriff's office is already being forced to consider euthanizing some animals. There were 19 dogs and seven cats adopted last week as of Friday morning, and the shelter is waiving adoption fees through the end of August. W C Messenger Update, Aug. 3, 2009

In the second part of this blog post, I wrote “Simple arithmetic tells me they will be giving away or destroying 150 dogs a month… ” and it looks like my addition was short. Actually, the sooner the animals are put down, the more efficiently the shelter will perform.

Just in case you think I'm completely heartless, I am planning to check the shelter regularly to adopt a dog. The best pets that ever put up with me came from the pound.

Of Interest

Some animals have it pretty good...
Scientist drill 1 mile into earthquake zone. Sounds like another disaster movie…

How to score with a bridesmaid at a wedding! This guy sounds like he knows what he's talking about, although I wouldn't know anything about such things...

Meet the TWITT’s ~ “Teenage Women In Their Thirties”

Kalifonia’s largest state union okays workers to strike.

I think they should just keep working and see if their paycheck clears the bank… I wonder if Kali will have trouble replacing them; since their unemployment rate was pushing 12% in June?

Check out the latest in comedy websites:
www.JoeBidenSaidThat.com
Wise County Racism & Your Tax Dollars… a lesson in Texas history.

I remember my dad talking about it when he was in school. The black students in Decatur were bused to Denton to get their education.

But, Wise County wasn’t the only place in Texas that was segregated… There used to be a sign on Hwy 380 in Greenville, TX that read, “The Blackest Land and The Whitest People”.

I also read that if a white woman was caught getting it on with a black man, she had was forced to say he raped her; otherwise, she was banished from the community and her entire family was disgraced... Not a proud era in Texas history.

Faceplants: Best of the Best

Pop term of the day: bro favor

bro favor
(n.) Pronounced like the spanish "por favor", bro favor is an act of goodwill asked of one's "bro" or "homey".

adv.) Still pronounced like the spanish "por favor", but used in place of the word please.

(n.)("Dude, I could really use $7 to buy this limited edition copy of Spawn. Do me a bro favor and spot me $7?"

(adv.) "Spot me $7 bro favor?"

Two Catholic parrots...

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest inquired..

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.'

Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, 'Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!'

Sunday humor

I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?'

Again, the answer was, 'NO!'

By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! 'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?' I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, 'NO!'

I was just bursting with pride for them. 'Well,' I continued, 'then how can I get into Heaven?'

A five-year-old boy shouted out, 'YOU GOTTA BE DEAD.'